Thing 1 and Thing 2 once again played the role of cutest flower girls in the world at a family member’s wedding. It has been a few years since my nuptials with Hot Mama, so I began to seriously question the state of marriage ceremonies these days when the priest advised the group at the rehearsal that some things are inappropriate for a wedding ceremony in the church and then proceeded to give the example that at the end of the last wedding he presided over the bridesmaids streaked down the aisle. I sat there pondering the logistics of such a feat (e.g. how did they get the dresses off so quickly?) as well as cliche manly thoughts (e.g. were they hot?). Then, realizing that I was having these thoughts in church, I snapped back to reality to discover the priest had actually said shrieked. Totally different.
The beautiful wedding was a traditional ceremony in a very ornate church complete with tall stained glass windows and a long center aisle which provided everyone with ample opportunity to see Thing 1 and Thing 2 strut their stuff. The bride looked good too. Everyone kept their clothes on, minimal shrieking occurred. The priest proclaimed that they were now joined together and not to let anyone separate them. Weddings make me reflect on Hot Mama’s and my oneness.
I remembered reading a post by J.D. Roth (no not that J.D. Roth) from GetRichSlowly.org discussing life after debt. He frequently shares that travel is an important interest in his life. He told us of a travel opportunity which had come up but questioned whether he could afford it. He said he needed to come up with his $5,600 by February and parenthetically explained that because he and his wife keep separate finances, she had to come up with her own $5,600 but that would not be a problem since she is the responsible one and has tons of money in savings.
FrugalDad.com had a guest post by Elle from CoupleMoney.com on setting up a financial system as a couple. She described her budgeting system in which she and her husband tally their family expenses and then deposit a proportional amount in accordance to their income. For example, if one spouse brings home 70% of the income, they deposit 70% of their income into the account from which they pay the family expenses. She says they “feel like proportional deposits are a more fair way to handle the bills” for them and acknowledges that everyone has their own budgeting system. She goes on to explain that “it’s fair for us because the bills don’t become a burden on one person.” To be fair, Elle does explain on her blog that she writes from her personal perspective and that you should appreciate that what works for them may not work for you.
Then there is Dave Ramsey’s take on marital budgeting. Anyone who has ever listened to Dave knows that he would disagree with J.D. and Elle. Ramsey’s explanation for combining finances is “when you budget together and put both incomes at the top of the page, and WE spend OUR income on paper and on purpose, WE have agreed on OUR goals and dreams. You need each other. As a long-term means of being effective with your money and marriage, you need to work together and have shared goals.”
While I can see how it could make things more convenient to just have yours, mine and ours; I tend to agree with Ramsey that a married couple should throw everything into a unified pot. Here are only a few reasons why:
Communication
If communication is key to a healthy marriage, communication on finances is one of the most important topics. Aside from communicating about longer-term goals and aspirations for their money, couples that are actually budgeting and tracking their spending need to communicate on the day-to-day spending so that it can be accounted for in the budget. If couples are able to communicate openly about money, they should be able to communicate effectively in other areas of their marriage.
Commitment
I am an attorney, I handle divorces, and I know that often one of the first things a spouse does when they decide they are getting divorced is to start putting money aside either to hide it from the other spouse or to have a cushion for starting their separate life. When a couple combines all assets it makes hiding away funds more difficult and, at least to me, shows a degree of commitment to the marriage. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that people who have separate finances are less committed, but I know that it is significantly easier to begin the process of unwinding the joint venture when the accounts are already split.
Sharing
Yours and mine seems incongruent with being “joined together” in marriage. Maybe I’m old fashioned but, in contrast to Elle’s concern, I have never felt burdened by paying the majority of the family expenses since I am the main income producer. Hot Mama is primarily a stay-at-home mom. We made that choice together. I do not view it that I pay the bills or that she should contribute more to the bills. We pay the bills. She needn’t feel controlled and she doesn’t need permission, she is free to buy whatever she wants. The money is ours. We have already communicated our plans for money in our budget and if either of us is wanting to go off script we communicate again but the money is ours and it is a shared decision. It seems to me that it is hard to be selfish when you are sharing.
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Hubby and I have a form of yours, mine, ours. Certain bills are ours alone to pay. That means student loans, though we do use excess funds to accelerate payments on both. We each have our own separate accounts, but it’s really for play money. We’re both on allowances (we have $500k in student loans, allowances are just a necessity), and that money goes into our individual accounts. Everything else goes into and is paid out of the joint account. All bills, utilities, credit cards, etc. are all paid from one account.
I like having the separate account though. I get to periodically spoil hubby from it and he doesn’t suspect :D.
I agree that combining finances can make gift giving and surprises more difficult but it can be done. We still budget for “fun money” which could be used for smaller gifts and usually include extra money in our budget around Christmas or birthdays. We may know the maximum amount that can be spent on gifts but we still manage to surprise each other with the gift itself.
I’m just reminded of how much I love you and how glad I am that we work together so well in this area. It doesn’t mean we’re perfect but at least we can talk about and plan for things together. See you at the budget committee meeting tonight darling.